Trying Hard in the Porn Studio

We rented a convertible Mustang, booked an Airbnb right off Hollywood Boulevard – in the thick of things! – and arranged five days of meetings in Hollywood because I’d sold a book and planned to sell some lucky buyer the movie rights (to said book).

I’d made a week’s worth of appointments with People in the Biz, including another L.A. writer who’d sold her book to a studio, who then gave Alec Baldwin the star role. I’d arranged for two working actors to dine with us and to take us to where they worked.

Soon, Oscars time! I’d picked out my gown.

Hours before we left, every L.A. person cancelled, which I’ve come to understand is the charming way of the city and the people in it – at least, the people who like to think – and like you to think – they work in the movie business. It was too late to cancel the digs, the car rental, and our anticipatory glee at the possibility of having Reese Witherspoon produce and star in said Oscar-worthy forthcoming movie.

Our Airbnb owner, hearing me whine about how awful everyone in Los Angeles is, stepped in with another Hollywood truism: She knows somebody who knows somebody. Her somebody lived in a Beverly Hills mansion and “works in the movie business.” We thought: What the hell? Who knows? Maybe that somebody could connect us to the president of Paramount Studios, who’d then fall in love with the story and make the movie and look out Thelma & Louise.

There’s a new kid in town.

Off we sped in our shiny blue Mustang full of this is how we do it vibes.

The Beverly Hills mansion mistress/Hollywood actor met us warmly, and we worked to not stare. She was the tallest, thinnest 50+-year-old I’d ever seen. Her perky breasts and perfect-little-biscuit buttocks were housed in pre-teen girl’s shorts and sports bra.

Her living room’s gold-painted wainscotting and crown molding framed what looked to be a museum of life-sized suits of armor, complete with swords and shields. Massive portraits of famous generals with gold-braided uniforms and swarmy mustaches hung everywhere.

The decades-older husband shuffled into the room and beamed at our oohs and aahs at his collection. That he’s a retired, yet renowned cosmetic surgeon, gave us the confidence to follow their invitation to their “film studio out back.”

S&M gear hung on walls above many colors of boas, platform boots and spotlights. Cameras sat tucked away or planted against a chaise lounge and bearskin rug. The husband’s eyes lit up.

The porn studio – movie set lights, wall-to-wall mirrors, and dominatrix accoutrements aside – had a vague scent of B.O. and weed.

But we were trying, you see, which is the whole point of this saga and our participation in it. We were trying everything we could to sell this movie script. We were shameless rubes in a sea of big-screen dreams and filmed sodomy.

Because I believe in trying – trying your best to see what you’re made of – move that mountain, ring That Big Bell – and the good news is that we did not have a clue how ridiculous we were, how off and how wrong our path to picture-perfect Oscar nominations were.

Thank god.

We pried ourselves loose and ran to the curb and though we’d locked our keys inside the Mustang and had to sit on the porn-makers’ curb and wait for AAA like vagrants, it was my best birthday ever, made even more so when we spent five hours and $1,000 on extraordinary wine and food at the world famous Beverly Hills Hotel Polo Lounge because it’s rumored Warren Beatty frequents the place and we want to believe it and the more wine we drank the more we did.

We felt it a real possibility Mr. Beatty would walk through the door, take a shine to us, and tuck his long, lean, connected self into our signature, deep green Beverly Hills booth, which felt coated in the smell of money.

You know how these Hollywood success stories go.

They go just like this: Someone’s trying, and it works.

Warren, Honey? Let’s keep talking. We’ve got the check.

Try to Be Nice

I’m a cynic about wealthy philanthropists, but $2 billion is $2 billion – wow.

Things I Find Cool

If you love the movies, you’ll love going down this rabbit hole.

Have someone in your life who needs a dose of fun, funny and fantastic? Forward them a sign-up link